Listening…to God knows what

For two years now I have been spending some focused time in my life on becoming a better listener. That’s really hard for a verbal processor.

A friend once said (and this is now frequently quoted) “Nancy, just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it!” But what is hard for others to grasp, is that I don’t think it, it just comes straight out the mouth!

I actually don’t think I’ve made much progress in two years. But I have some hope, because God is in the business of transforming me.

Recently I’ve realized that the most important aspect of listening is to learn to listen to God. Which is actually much harder than listening to people. When I listen to God, what am I supposed to listen to?

The “quiet” in my heart? Still my soul….okay…speak God. Hmmm…What’s that I am hearing? How do I know my thoughts are his, and not just mine re-cycled? People who get quiet and hear stuff, that’s awesome. I’m not really sure.

Do I listen by reading the Bible? It is so tempting to read in search of some clear answer, relevant verse, or “words that jump out”. Is that God speaking.? I remember in college God speaking through a verse to a young man that he should marry a certain woman. Unfortunately the woman didn’t get the same message. Seems you have to be careful with this form of listening.

Maybe part of listening to God is listening to the counsel of others – what others say that resonates with me. I certainly think God’s voice can be heard through others. Through a message, a conversation, a close friend. Is that you God?

I love “listening” to God in nature. Wow, the lessons that come from watching creation. Understanding how things work, thinking about what the creator is saying. Very cool.

What about my own thoughts…just ideas that come into my head from nowhere. Can that be God speaking? Go with my “gut”, that must be God. If you know all the wierd thoughts in my head you’d be saying ALERT!!!BAD IDEA!!!

So how do I really listen to God? I’m pretty sure He wants me too.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. ” (Psalm 32)

Somehow, for me, I think it comes down to having a listening heart – wanting to know what God desires so that I can  follow. Then doing all of the above and waiting for a convergence…a message from many fronts. Being patient and trusting.

And I think, I never really know FOR SURE. I guess I have to keep listening. The minute I think I have it all figured out I’m not listening any more. I want to be a listener.

“Speak for your servant is listening…” (I Samuel 3:10)

What does success look like?

I’ve been thinking a lot about success lately. We often ask the question “What does success look like?” or another way to put it “Define the win.” A friend of mine said recently that she thinks success is an American word. Very cultural. It got me thinking. What does God think of “success”. What is it really? Who cares? Seems like most people around me want to be successful. Whatever that means:

From good old Webster:

Success: a favorable result, the gaining of wealth, fame, etc.

Amazon has 819,260 books with the word success in the title. There are some great book titles:

Success: Advice for Achieving Your Goals from Remarkably Accomplished People

Effortless Success: How to Get What You Want and Have a Great Time Doing It

Secrets of Success: The Science and Spirit of Real Prosperity

What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful

Stress for Success

I think of success in terms of gain – climbing the ladder, earning more, more notariety, more “success” stories, reaching lofty goals. I think Stress for Success is probably a true statement.

What is success in God’s eyes? Paul defines it to Timothy:

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

In Ecclesiasties life is defined as mostly meaningless. All the things we seek after, knowlege, fame, toys, wealth, you name it…it is all utterly meaningless. Finally Solomon writes this:

“Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.”

Fear (revere, worship) God, keep his commandments. That’s a pretty simple picture. The results are up to God. Perhaps the race Paul is running, and the fight he is fighting is as simple as faithfully fearing God and keeping his commands.

Sometimes, many times, I think I make life way too complicated.

Thoughts on Self…ness

I’ve been thinking alot about how self gets in the way of so many good things. Then I thought about all the self words that we have in our vocabulary. Websters has 264 words that start with self. Some of the common ones are:  selfishness, self-centered, self-defense, self-reliant, self-starter, self-seeking. There are so many ways to be about self.

So how does a person get over selfishness, and self-centeredness, and begin living selflessly, without losing their sense of self? I’d love to think that I could just take Selfish and replace the ish with less – Selfless – there you go, that’s it. Done.

I do think there is a key and was reminded of that this week in a sermon about love. Self-awareness may be the self-word that turns selfish into selfless. For when we are able to get a glimpse of what we look like to those around us when we are selfish – we become self-aware, and we realize we don’t like what we see, which leads us to desire something different for ourselves. (Wow I just can’t get away from that self-word!)

So how do I increase my self-awareness? Have you ever had someone video tape you when you didn’t know it and you watch it and…ummm…yikes. I hate it when that happens. All of a sudden I feel like a total dork. Then I become self-c0nscious, which is NOT the same as self-aware. Because when you are self-conscious, you are still focusing on yourself. When you are self-aware you are focusing on others – how they are in your presence, what you do to/for them.

The best way I know (and I am no expert, that’s for sure) to grow in self-awareness is to do three things

1)listen more – be aware of others, not in my “me bubble”

2)accept my imperfections – so I stop worrying so much about my self-image

3) get ruthless feedback from someone who loves me  – which can only happen if I do #2

Okay, so I pretty much stink at both of those. How often do I sit in a room with others and sit back and ask myself how each person in the room is doing? Am I aware of how my body language, my words, my silence effects others or am I just listening to myself think (or speak since I am a verbal processor.)

And how often am I willing to admit how imperfect I am – how I annoy people, get under their skin, come off as prideful, or uncaring, or pre-occupied? Can I admit that it is nearly impossible to not think of myself for more than a few minutes, and ask God to make His Spirit alive in me – that Spirit that enables me to set aside self and serve Him and others? Somehow, if I don’t admit this about myself, I continue to live in the self-deluded bubble that sees myself as God’s gift to humanity, while others roll their eyes and I think they just have something under their contact.

And am I really willing to ask a trusted friend how I come across? How do I effect others? How could I grow to be more Christ-like? What are my blind spots (we all have them). And am I willing to sit quietly at the end of the day and reflect on each encounter and ask God himself to show me – open my eyes to my sin, my selfishness, my pride, my fears?

I long to be self-aware so that I can let go of self “stuff” and stop hanging on to my picture of what I wish I was. I long to stop the self-focus and love God with my whole heart, soul and mind trusting him to do an extreme make-over of my heart so that I can truly love my neighbor as much as I love myself.

Lifestyle Creep

I’ve been thinking alot about our “lifestyle” lately. I guess because of the economy and everyone talking about how they are cutting back. I’ve read things like “no more eating out every week, no more Starbucks, less travel, fewer gadgets.

20 years ago my husband and I with two kids were living on his post-doc salary. It wasn’t very much. We did great though. I never felt poor at all. I got used to spending very little. Once he got a real job we bought a house that forced us to keep living at the same standard for several more years.

Then it happened. Some great friends of ours joked and called it Lifestyle Creep. Like a frog in water that’s heating up. Little by little the lifestyle goes up…eating out more, buying more expensive food for “special”, a new TV – bigger screen, more cool gear for camping (that’s not a bad thing is it?!), buying books at Borders instead of using the library, a new pillow for the couch, a new couch…the old one doesn’t really match. It keeps going, slowly but surely. We earn more – we spend more, to have a better life. That’s the creep thing.

Granted our lifestyle never crept beyond our means. We still managed to release money to charity and save a fair amount. But creep it has. But not as much as other people we know, we still have old cars, we still don’t eat out all that much (all the rationalizing.) But I think I want to be done creeping.

Somehow as an American this is the question that seems to be of highest value during an election year:”Are you better off than you were 4 years ago?” This makes the assumption that the goal of government is to make sure each person in the US is better off than they were before. LifeStyle Creep is the goal. Do I really measure my success in life by lifestyle creep? That’s really creepy!

What if we started changing the goal and it became Lifestyle shrink. Ha! The question would be this “is your life simpler, more manageable, less expensive, less frivolous than it was 4 years ago? Do you give more away to those in need? Do you value people more than stuff? Do you make decisions based on goodness rather than on your pocketbook?”

Lifestyle shrink. That’s what I want. Of course some of you will think I need a shrink after this post!

The unseen part of the story….

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the story behind the story of our lives. I read this fantastic book by NT Wright called “Surprised by Hope” that really opened my eyes to the unseen realities or what the Bible sometimes calls the “heavenly realms.” That is where Ephesians says the resurrected Christ is right now. And stuff is happening in “heaven” just like stuff is happening in our earthly world. It brings new meaning to “thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” And someday the realms will merge and be made new. Wow!

Then Saturday I was reminded by our pastor that we are a part of this unseen story, and we have no idea how what is happening behind the story we see.  We see some things and get excited, but the amazing part is that we can be part of God’s story – most of which we can’t see.  So I’ve been trying to approach life trusting more in the story God is working out.

Think about it…anything we do is not in isolation. Every person we talk to, every check-out clerk, the bus driver, my neighbor is in the middle of a story both seen and unseen. When we interact in someway with our surroundings we are contributors to something that is already in motion. All kinds of things we can’t imagine are happening and as we choose to act in step with what God is doing (even if we can’t see it, I think sometimes we can sense it) we are participating what He’s doing in others lives, and in the world.

So  I write a post on my blog, knowing that maybe 5 people will read it. But it’s out there now, part of the story. Who knows who reads what we write? But my blog can be part of God’s blog, I think. (Does God have a blog?)

One day last year I got a letter from someone I worked with 25 years ago. He told me he had run into someone who had worked with us for one year while she was in college. He said her name. It didn’t even ring a bell (I guess I am old!) But he wrote me because she told him what a profound effect I had had on her faith and he wanted me to know. Wow, I don’t even remember her.

We have no idea what our part in the story really is. So we just keep our eyes on Him the author (of the story) and perfector of our faith.  And let Him be in charge of the story. And someday we’ll get to see it all revealed. Very cool.

Friends…

I have had so much gratitude lately for my friends. I really think this point in time is the richest yet in my life when it comes to friendship. I am overwhelmed with the people in my life, and my love for them.

Maybe its my stage in life – empty nest. My husband, my very best friend is such a great companion. Perhaps being home alone has deepened our friendship. It is so great to have a friend who you know loves you and knows you completely. I am SO grateful that he is indeed my best friend.

Perhaps being friends with my grown daughter adds to the gratitude. To have 20 something daughters who I consider wonderful people, who I love and admire and enjoy spending time with. That is such a gift!

Maybe its also because I work every day with people who are very special to me. So each day is filled with friends. The women I work with are truly amazing. Every day I am amazed at how special each one is, and how I see God at work in them. We are all different ages, and that diversity makes my life rich. I could never have imagined having a group of women I enjoy so much, and being able to see them every day.

There are a several couples that my husband and I enjoy deep relationships with. That too seems to be a new thing for us. We’ve always had friends, but not with this much history and depth of relationship. Perhaps living in the same place for 24 years allows this.

I also wonder if part of my experience is coming to the age that I am comfortable in my own skin. I have mostly lost that feeling of comparing. Not completely, but it has faded more to the background. That sense that maybe I’m not as smart as the other person, or as classy, or as stylish, or loving. And then wanting to somehow keep up with others. That feeling inside really keeps me from enjoying others fully. I love not really caring what others think, but rather caring FOR others and enjoying who God made them.

Whatever it is, I am so grateful. Because when life is rich in relationships, my heart feels enlarged. Like I have more love to give and more room to receive.

Where the days are long but the week is short!

Here I am back at Big Pine Lake…for at least the 55th time. I went for a run this morning and wrote an entire post in my head. I just looked back at last year’s Big Pine Lake Ponderings and I realized it is the exact same post I had in my head…so you can read it here. This is the first time since we have had kids that I can remember being here without them. I am missing them and my mom. But the time is still sweet, and somehow centering.

The history here is rich, memories are strong, and the lake calming, even when the waves are crashing the shore in strong winds. Last night we trolled slowly in the quiet water, watched the sun go down, caught weeds, and a couple of fish in between. The conversation was rich. We laughed, remembered, sang. We enjoyed the smooth rippled water, the clouds, the loons and watched an eagle swoop up a fish. As we passed where the old boat house used to be, and the store with a grape bottled pop machine on the porch, I could almost see it, hear the voices of the past.

I love this place.

“with liberty and justice for all”

2 million plastic beverage bottles – the number used every 5 minutes in the U.S

I just got back from whole foods – that wholesome organic high-end grocery store. I can’t afford much there, but as I wandered through I realized something. Everywhere were environmentally friendly items…plastic wear that you re-use, fancy water bottles, fancy fabric bags of many kinds, many products made without this or that. I was stunned by the greenness of it all, and at the same time felt a little strange. Because although it is green it is still very consumer oriented. Lots of green “stuff” I don’t need.

I brought home a free magazine and there was an add for this website. This was worth the trip. Look at “An American Self Portrait.” Click on that photo and then spend some time looking at each one. It was astounding. http://chrisjordan.com/

What if every single person just stopped using things like plastic bags, plastic cups, paper cups? It is amazing what an impact that would make.

I hate the gas prices raising because it is causing hardship for so many people. Yet finally people are changing their habits. Money speaks. Why does it have to be money that drives us to change? Why can’t we change just because it makes the world better for everyone, and for future generations?

As I was looking at the American Self Portrait it made me think of the pledge of allegiance. With liberty (that’s freedom – freedom to spend our hard earned money however we like) and Justice (that means giving up our rights for the freedom of others – so others can have food, resources, a place to lay their heads.)

For ALL – not just those who can afford it.

60,000 plastic bags, the number used every 5 seconds in the U.S.

“this old (wo)man”

Being in my 50’s wouldn’t be so traumatic if it weren’t for the sudden attention to body parts. I am a strong believer in preventative medicine. I eat healthy, get exercise, take my vitamins, and visit the doctor every year for a tune up. The tune ups keep getting longer and more complicated. In the last month I’ve had a mammogram, colonoscopy, thyroid test, lung xray, general physical with all its tests, and now a bone scan. Just to see if my bones are dying yet. It seems you hit 50 and they start looking for “stuff”…signs of falling apart. I’m getting lots of reading done in waiting rooms!

The reality is our bodies do wear out. I am so thankful that I am healthy. Wow, what a blessing. But it is a sure thing that this healthy body is going to wear out. It wasn’t built to last. It’s rather sobering that what is happening to our 15 year old car (”I’m sorry but it’s not worth fixing anymore.”) is going to happen to every one of us. It’s so strange how we age, but yet feel like the same person on the inside.

And here is my point in all this. I really want to keep my body healthy, and I will as long as I can, but it’s a done deal that it’s going to wear out. Thankfully I get a new one someday that won’t wear out. But my “heart”, now that’s something worth working on. That part of me that is somehow on the inside…connected to my body, but not dependent on it. I don’t mean my beating heart, I mean my soul heart.

I want to figure out how to keep my soul healthy, not just my body. Because my soul has every chance of not just deteriorating, but getting better every day. How cool is it that there is a part of me that is not going to deterioriate – if I don’t let it. I need to know how to feed and nourish my soul. Sadly I think I pay more attention to my body than my soul. Hmmmm…something worth changing.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” (corinthians)

Forgiveness

I heard Miraslov Volf speak on forgiveness last night. His lecture was amazing…”Can there be forgiveness without God?” He said so many things I have heard before, but for some reason they seemed new. I look at my notes and they are simple statements that I have always thought were true. I didn’t really write anything profound.

What is it about us that at a certain place and time something that you have heard many times can hit you in a whole new way? I have heard so many times that forgiveness is a gift – that is completely undeserved. If it was deserved it wouldn’t be forgiveness. But somehow last night it hit me. I think sometimes I don’t want to forgive someone until they deserve it -until they repent, or say they are so very sorry, or admit what they have done. But then my forgiveness isn’t really a gift. They are having to pay something for it.

Dr. Volf explained that you can give the gift of forgiveness in a good way and in a bad way (just like any gift you might give.) If you do it humbly and freely often it opens a door to repentance. Perhaps only small seeds of repentance. But forgiveness doesn’t demand anything..not even repentance. Wow. So I know that. Why did it strike me so deeply last night?

I think I need to repent of demanding repentance. It’s much harder to forgive than I thought. Because I am someone who loves to hear “I’m sorry” first.

The other profound thing is that restoring a relationship is not the same as forgiveness. It is a different process – a next step – and sometimes not possible. Because relationship needs trust. And trust is broken when we are wronged. I knew that too, but somehow last night it went a little deeper. I now see that I can give the gift of forgiveness without needing to trust the person first, or maybe ever. That’s okay. That’s why they need the gift. That’s why I need the gift.

I have a new appreciation for God’s forgiveness. That he can never trust me…I will mess up again and again. So his forgiveness has to be extended all the time – my relationship with him is based on Jesus who is trustworthy.

My brain hurts!