“How did I do?”

Sometimes I think this i question  is imprinted on my forehead.  I may ask the question another way “how do you think it went?” or “What’dya think?” or “what was your take on the evening?” Whatever form of the question, I am realizing that at the heart of it is “how did I do?”

Hmmm….whether its having someone for dinner, teaching a workshop, having a hard conversation, choosing a gift for someone, or visiting a friend in the hospital…it seems that’s my default reflection question.

I think this reveals something a little “off” about my mentality. I mean, it’s not bad to get feedback. That’s actually good. It’s the sign of a learner. And it’s a good thing to try to do your best and always see if you can do better, I think. but I am starting to wonder if at the deepest part of me I really view myself as a performer. It’s up to me to “perform” – to live up to my expectations, others expectations, God’s expectations. And I really want to know “how did I do?” to validate who I am.

I need to change that question. This may be subtle but I think it will help me tremendously. “What’s God up to? Am I following him, focused on doing as He desires? Am I fulling engaged in being who He made me to be?  I wonder what He’ll make of this situation?”

Maybe then I can relax, deeply engage in the moment, truly attend to others, to living. And leave the results up to God.

“Cease striving and know that I am God…” psalm 42

The long-term effects of a PBJ

This weekend a friend from Minnesota stopped for an overnight visit. Kim is a friend who had a huge impact on the trajectory of my life.

Twenty-four years ago when my family arrived in Madison we decided on our first Sunday in town to attend a tiny little church on Blackhawk Avenue. With our toddler in tow, my husband and I braved walking into this intimate small church that really looked more like a large house.

If you’ve ever visited a small church for the first time (picture 75 or so people in a tiny little wooden-pewed chapel) you know that it’s hard to stay anonymous. Our last church experience had been a congregation of 500 or so. This felt sort of like walking into someone’s living room.

Kim and her husband introduced themselves after the service and invited us home for lunch.  I think we had something really simple like PBJ’s or maybe our first bagels and cream cheese from Bagels Forever. Our toddlers “played” together, or maybe fought over a few toys.

We tried one other church the following week. Kim called. We went back to this little church. Because of Kim and her husband, we continued to go back. We stuck. Kim became like family. Four years later she and her family moved away. We still feel like family 20 years later.

I took Kim to church last Sunday. We walked through the offices of the “new” 20 years later Blackhawk Church. I named who occupied each desk and computer. We laughed, remembered the past, and I marveled.

I am so thankful to be part of this community of faith called Blackhawk. And I know how much Kim’s reaching out began the community I now experience. Our community is much larger – almost 40 times larger. But I think community is still finds its beginnings in things like a PBJ (or bagel) for lunch.

Listen up!

I’ve been thinking about how important it is to “listen up” as I try to listen well in my conversations. By listen up I mean – listen to God at the same time as I listen to someone else. Multi-task, so to speak.

I sometimes am compelled to listen because I think I can help. (How subtly it becomes about me. )The truth is, God is working in each person’s life long before I come on the scene. Instead of focusing on what I might say that would “fix” them, I should focus on what God is doing in them – without me.

If by some chance I am able to say something helpful, it’s because God is at work, not because I am so incredibly insightful. When I take the pressure off of myself to be helpful (fix the person) I can really listen rather than prepare to speak. At the same time  I can listen for a nudge from God to say something, instead of working out the fix in my mind.

Sounds really good on a blog. Much harder to do in a conversation, oh great “fixer” that I am! I think God is probably a much better “fixer” than I am. And can discern much better what, if anything, needs to be fixed.

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” – 2 Corinthians 3:18

Listening…to God knows what

For two years now I have been spending some focused time in my life on becoming a better listener. That’s really hard for a verbal processor.

A friend once said (and this is now frequently quoted) “Nancy, just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it!” But what is hard for others to grasp, is that I don’t think it, it just comes straight out the mouth!

I actually don’t think I’ve made much progress in two years. But I have some hope, because God is in the business of transforming me.

Recently I’ve realized that the most important aspect of listening is to learn to listen to God. Which is actually much harder than listening to people. When I listen to God, what am I supposed to listen to?

The “quiet” in my heart? Still my soul….okay…speak God. Hmmm…What’s that I am hearing? How do I know my thoughts are his, and not just mine re-cycled? People who get quiet and hear stuff, that’s awesome. I’m not really sure.

Do I listen by reading the Bible? It is so tempting to read in search of some clear answer, relevant verse, or “words that jump out”. Is that God speaking.? I remember in college God speaking through a verse to a young man that he should marry a certain woman. Unfortunately the woman didn’t get the same message. Seems you have to be careful with this form of listening.

Maybe part of listening to God is listening to the counsel of others – what others say that resonates with me. I certainly think God’s voice can be heard through others. Through a message, a conversation, a close friend. Is that you God?

I love “listening” to God in nature. Wow, the lessons that come from watching creation. Understanding how things work, thinking about what the creator is saying. Very cool.

What about my own thoughts…just ideas that come into my head from nowhere. Can that be God speaking? Go with my “gut”, that must be God. If you know all the wierd thoughts in my head you’d be saying ALERT!!!BAD IDEA!!!

So how do I really listen to God? I’m pretty sure He wants me too.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. ” (Psalm 32)

Somehow, for me, I think it comes down to having a listening heart – wanting to know what God desires so that I can  follow. Then doing all of the above and waiting for a convergence…a message from many fronts. Being patient and trusting.

And I think, I never really know FOR SURE. I guess I have to keep listening. The minute I think I have it all figured out I’m not listening any more. I want to be a listener.

“Speak for your servant is listening…” (I Samuel 3:10)

What does success look like?

I’ve been thinking a lot about success lately. We often ask the question “What does success look like?” or another way to put it “Define the win.” A friend of mine said recently that she thinks success is an American word. Very cultural. It got me thinking. What does God think of “success”. What is it really? Who cares? Seems like most people around me want to be successful. Whatever that means:

From good old Webster:

Success: a favorable result, the gaining of wealth, fame, etc.

Amazon has 819,260 books with the word success in the title. There are some great book titles:

Success: Advice for Achieving Your Goals from Remarkably Accomplished People

Effortless Success: How to Get What You Want and Have a Great Time Doing It

Secrets of Success: The Science and Spirit of Real Prosperity

What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful

Stress for Success

I think of success in terms of gain – climbing the ladder, earning more, more notariety, more “success” stories, reaching lofty goals. I think Stress for Success is probably a true statement.

What is success in God’s eyes? Paul defines it to Timothy:

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

In Ecclesiasties life is defined as mostly meaningless. All the things we seek after, knowlege, fame, toys, wealth, you name it…it is all utterly meaningless. Finally Solomon writes this:

“Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.”

Fear (revere, worship) God, keep his commandments. That’s a pretty simple picture. The results are up to God. Perhaps the race Paul is running, and the fight he is fighting is as simple as faithfully fearing God and keeping his commands.

Sometimes, many times, I think I make life way too complicated.

Thoughts on Self…ness

I’ve been thinking alot about how self gets in the way of so many good things. Then I thought about all the self words that we have in our vocabulary. Websters has 264 words that start with self. Some of the common ones are:  selfishness, self-centered, self-defense, self-reliant, self-starter, self-seeking. There are so many ways to be about self.

So how does a person get over selfishness, and self-centeredness, and begin living selflessly, without losing their sense of self? I’d love to think that I could just take Selfish and replace the ish with less – Selfless – there you go, that’s it. Done.

I do think there is a key and was reminded of that this week in a sermon about love. Self-awareness may be the self-word that turns selfish into selfless. For when we are able to get a glimpse of what we look like to those around us when we are selfish – we become self-aware, and we realize we don’t like what we see, which leads us to desire something different for ourselves. (Wow I just can’t get away from that self-word!)

So how do I increase my self-awareness? Have you ever had someone video tape you when you didn’t know it and you watch it and…ummm…yikes. I hate it when that happens. All of a sudden I feel like a total dork. Then I become self-c0nscious, which is NOT the same as self-aware. Because when you are self-conscious, you are still focusing on yourself. When you are self-aware you are focusing on others – how they are in your presence, what you do to/for them.

The best way I know (and I am no expert, that’s for sure) to grow in self-awareness is to do three things

1)listen more – be aware of others, not in my “me bubble”

2)accept my imperfections – so I stop worrying so much about my self-image

3) get ruthless feedback from someone who loves me  – which can only happen if I do #2

Okay, so I pretty much stink at both of those. How often do I sit in a room with others and sit back and ask myself how each person in the room is doing? Am I aware of how my body language, my words, my silence effects others or am I just listening to myself think (or speak since I am a verbal processor.)

And how often am I willing to admit how imperfect I am – how I annoy people, get under their skin, come off as prideful, or uncaring, or pre-occupied? Can I admit that it is nearly impossible to not think of myself for more than a few minutes, and ask God to make His Spirit alive in me – that Spirit that enables me to set aside self and serve Him and others? Somehow, if I don’t admit this about myself, I continue to live in the self-deluded bubble that sees myself as God’s gift to humanity, while others roll their eyes and I think they just have something under their contact.

And am I really willing to ask a trusted friend how I come across? How do I effect others? How could I grow to be more Christ-like? What are my blind spots (we all have them). And am I willing to sit quietly at the end of the day and reflect on each encounter and ask God himself to show me – open my eyes to my sin, my selfishness, my pride, my fears?

I long to be self-aware so that I can let go of self “stuff” and stop hanging on to my picture of what I wish I was. I long to stop the self-focus and love God with my whole heart, soul and mind trusting him to do an extreme make-over of my heart so that I can truly love my neighbor as much as I love myself.

Lifestyle Creep

I’ve been thinking alot about our “lifestyle” lately. I guess because of the economy and everyone talking about how they are cutting back. I’ve read things like “no more eating out every week, no more Starbucks, less travel, fewer gadgets.

20 years ago my husband and I with two kids were living on his post-doc salary. It wasn’t very much. We did great though. I never felt poor at all. I got used to spending very little. Once he got a real job we bought a house that forced us to keep living at the same standard for several more years.

Then it happened. Some great friends of ours joked and called it Lifestyle Creep. Like a frog in water that’s heating up. Little by little the lifestyle goes up…eating out more, buying more expensive food for “special”, a new TV – bigger screen, more cool gear for camping (that’s not a bad thing is it?!), buying books at Borders instead of using the library, a new pillow for the couch, a new couch…the old one doesn’t really match. It keeps going, slowly but surely. We earn more – we spend more, to have a better life. That’s the creep thing.

Granted our lifestyle never crept beyond our means. We still managed to release money to charity and save a fair amount. But creep it has. But not as much as other people we know, we still have old cars, we still don’t eat out all that much (all the rationalizing.) But I think I want to be done creeping.

Somehow as an American this is the question that seems to be of highest value during an election year:”Are you better off than you were 4 years ago?” This makes the assumption that the goal of government is to make sure each person in the US is better off than they were before. LifeStyle Creep is the goal. Do I really measure my success in life by lifestyle creep? That’s really creepy!

What if we started changing the goal and it became Lifestyle shrink. Ha! The question would be this “is your life simpler, more manageable, less expensive, less frivolous than it was 4 years ago? Do you give more away to those in need? Do you value people more than stuff? Do you make decisions based on goodness rather than on your pocketbook?”

Lifestyle shrink. That’s what I want. Of course some of you will think I need a shrink after this post!

The unseen part of the story….

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the story behind the story of our lives. I read this fantastic book by NT Wright called “Surprised by Hope” that really opened my eyes to the unseen realities or what the Bible sometimes calls the “heavenly realms.” That is where Ephesians says the resurrected Christ is right now. And stuff is happening in “heaven” just like stuff is happening in our earthly world. It brings new meaning to “thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” And someday the realms will merge and be made new. Wow!

Then Saturday I was reminded by our pastor that we are a part of this unseen story, and we have no idea how what is happening behind the story we see.  We see some things and get excited, but the amazing part is that we can be part of God’s story – most of which we can’t see.  So I’ve been trying to approach life trusting more in the story God is working out.

Think about it…anything we do is not in isolation. Every person we talk to, every check-out clerk, the bus driver, my neighbor is in the middle of a story both seen and unseen. When we interact in someway with our surroundings we are contributors to something that is already in motion. All kinds of things we can’t imagine are happening and as we choose to act in step with what God is doing (even if we can’t see it, I think sometimes we can sense it) we are participating what He’s doing in others lives, and in the world.

So  I write a post on my blog, knowing that maybe 5 people will read it. But it’s out there now, part of the story. Who knows who reads what we write? But my blog can be part of God’s blog, I think. (Does God have a blog?)

One day last year I got a letter from someone I worked with 25 years ago. He told me he had run into someone who had worked with us for one year while she was in college. He said her name. It didn’t even ring a bell (I guess I am old!) But he wrote me because she told him what a profound effect I had had on her faith and he wanted me to know. Wow, I don’t even remember her.

We have no idea what our part in the story really is. So we just keep our eyes on Him the author (of the story) and perfector of our faith.  And let Him be in charge of the story. And someday we’ll get to see it all revealed. Very cool.

Friends…

I have had so much gratitude lately for my friends. I really think this point in time is the richest yet in my life when it comes to friendship. I am overwhelmed with the people in my life, and my love for them.

Maybe its my stage in life – empty nest. My husband, my very best friend is such a great companion. Perhaps being home alone has deepened our friendship. It is so great to have a friend who you know loves you and knows you completely. I am SO grateful that he is indeed my best friend.

Perhaps being friends with my grown daughter adds to the gratitude. To have 20 something daughters who I consider wonderful people, who I love and admire and enjoy spending time with. That is such a gift!

Maybe its also because I work every day with people who are very special to me. So each day is filled with friends. The women I work with are truly amazing. Every day I am amazed at how special each one is, and how I see God at work in them. We are all different ages, and that diversity makes my life rich. I could never have imagined having a group of women I enjoy so much, and being able to see them every day.

There are a several couples that my husband and I enjoy deep relationships with. That too seems to be a new thing for us. We’ve always had friends, but not with this much history and depth of relationship. Perhaps living in the same place for 24 years allows this.

I also wonder if part of my experience is coming to the age that I am comfortable in my own skin. I have mostly lost that feeling of comparing. Not completely, but it has faded more to the background. That sense that maybe I’m not as smart as the other person, or as classy, or as stylish, or loving. And then wanting to somehow keep up with others. That feeling inside really keeps me from enjoying others fully. I love not really caring what others think, but rather caring FOR others and enjoying who God made them.

Whatever it is, I am so grateful. Because when life is rich in relationships, my heart feels enlarged. Like I have more love to give and more room to receive.

Where the days are long but the week is short!

Here I am back at Big Pine Lake…for at least the 55th time. I went for a run this morning and wrote an entire post in my head. I just looked back at last year’s Big Pine Lake Ponderings and I realized it is the exact same post I had in my head…so you can read it here. This is the first time since we have had kids that I can remember being here without them. I am missing them and my mom. But the time is still sweet, and somehow centering.

The history here is rich, memories are strong, and the lake calming, even when the waves are crashing the shore in strong winds. Last night we trolled slowly in the quiet water, watched the sun go down, caught weeds, and a couple of fish in between. The conversation was rich. We laughed, remembered, sang. We enjoyed the smooth rippled water, the clouds, the loons and watched an eagle swoop up a fish. As we passed where the old boat house used to be, and the store with a grape bottled pop machine on the porch, I could almost see it, hear the voices of the past.

I love this place.