It’s Time for Saying Goodbye…

About 18 years ago my daughter, Krissy and I said goodbye to two very close friends who were moving away. Her best friend at the time (she was 4) was the daughter of my best friend, Deb. Deb was the closest friend I had ever experienced…and after two years of knowing her, she and her family moved away. Krissy and I sang a song together at a going away party…it was funny…Kermit the Frog’s goodbye song (lyrics at the end of this post). Krissy sang some of the verses alone, at 4, and was a hit! There were tears shed, it was touching. Deb is still one of my closest friends. The time and space didn’t harm our friendship. In fact, maybe they enhanced it. I’ve been through a lot with Deb. She is my kindred spirit.

Saying goodbye to Deb was perhaps one of the harder goodbyes I have experienced. But I am about to say goodbye to Krissy, in a week, when she and her husband move thousands of miles away. I have no idea what to expect. I am so excited for this chapter in their lives. My husband and I have done well (she’s not perfect, but close!) in raising her to be an amazing, God-fearing adult…God’s grace, really. It shines in her. It shines in them. We’ve been through a lot with Krissy. Taught her the finer things in life: how to ride a bike, how to spell, how to love creation, how to engage in deep thought and conversation, how to manage money, how to have integrity, be honest, love, show mercy. And she’s taught us the finer things in life: patience, unconditional love, how to be honest, show mercy, love well, care for others, enjoy life, speak Spanish (a little).

It is so right to come to this point. And so painful. It is a beautiful moment, and the hardest step yet. I’m thankful for cell phones, for email, for blogs (I think I called my parents once a month or so after I moved away…yikes!) And I am thankful for God – His constant presence, His comfort, His promises, His enduring love for her; for us.

So here we go, the last week living in the same city after 22 years. I pray the hard moments are also tender. That the last days are joyful in the midst of the pain. And I praise my Father that He graciously gave us a relationship with our daughter that I know will endure the test of time and place. It’s a new part of the journey…may we learn to treasure it as we have the other phases of life. And may we love them well from afar, as they begin their own life as a new family. May they leave, and may they cleave, by God’s grace. Dave, take good care of her!

Saying goodbye, going away
Seems like goodbye’s such a hard thing to say
Touching a hand, wondering why
It’s time for saying goodbye

Saying goodbye, why is it sad?
Makes us remember the good times we’ve had
Much more to say, foolish to try
It’s time for saying goodbye

Don’t want to leave, but we both know
Sometimes it’s better to go
Somehow I know we’ll meet again
Not sure quite where, and I dont know just when
You’re in my heart, so until then
Wanna smile, wanna cry
Saying goodbye

La la la la la la la la
It’s time for saying goodbye

- Kermit the Frog

The soul-refreshing run…there’s nothing like it.

About 20 years ago, after my second daughter was born, I had to stop running. I’ve never been a hard core runner. A good 3 mile run was good for my soul. But at the ripe old age of 30, my knees started swelling up and the sports med guy said “If you want to keep those knees, you should find another way to exercise.” I did. My dedicated husband bought me a nordic track, and I faithfully “ran” with no impact to my knees for years.

But…(the wonderful sound of “but”), 3 years ago, I was tired of trying to get my dog exercise at the expense of my own exercise (dogs just don’t do well on nordic tracks) so I decided one fine spring Wisconsin day to give it a shot. After 17 years, I went for a run. I ran slow, I ran about one mile. The next day my thighs were killing me but my knees were fine. And soon I was back to running 3 miles several times a week with my dog and loving it. There is no other exercise that does this for me…the soul-refreshing run.

What is it about a run? The first 1/2 mile is always painful. Then the second 1/2 mile is when I get into a rhythm and by the end of mile 1 it starts to happen. My mind becomes free. It is as if my thoughts are released…they start to fly away one by one…the things that mattered that day don’t anymore…the rhythm of the run releases my stress into the breeze. Then about mile 2, my thoughts start flowing…but they are fresh thoughts, energized ones, un-encumbered. I get wild ideas, things come to me that answer questions I pondered. I sense God talking. Sometimes after a run, I jot down thoughts I had. Later I usually laugh…they felt so perfect. I realize that they were really just thoughts, but during the run they felt free…made more sense somehow. They felt profound. Exhilarating.

Recently I started reading a book on centering prayer. I’ve tried it a few times. It is intriguing to me…but it sure isn’t like running. Running does something amazing to my soul. I feel more alive, less weighed down, grateful, blessed.

About a year and a half ago my daughter started running with me twice a week. Together we released stress, we talked, we laughed, we ran. The time became my greatest treasure. I’ve been running without her a lot lately – since she’s been married, traveling, packing and about to move. Running has now become for me a time to pray for her…her marriage, her days ahead, her walk with God, her husband. Then I start to pray for my husband, for my younger daughter…then the thoughts come, the wild ideas, the free Spirit talk…

Last week I played tennis with my younger daughter (she hates running). We hadn’t played in 10 years or more. We were terrible. But we laughed, we had fun, we got some exercise. We talked on the way home. Maybe we’ll do it again soon.

And tomorrow I’ll go for a run.

Life is good.

My walk in the dark

I used to think that God giving light to my path meant I should know what is coming…like a flashlight. It shines on the path so you don’t trip. The light gives comfort, shows the way. Have you ever gotten up in the dark of night and run right into a wall? I have. It isn’t too comfortable.

But as I have lived through some dark times, times I can’t see what lies ahead, I have figured something out. God likes it when I am in the dark, the complete dark. That’s where we really are all of the time, we just pretend like we aren’t. We think we know what tomorrow will bring..it’s on our calendar. But we REALLY don’t know. We think we’ll be home for dinner… there’s food in the fridge, but we REALLY don’t know. When we KNOW we don’t know what is coming in life…we are truly in the dark…those are the times we have a window into our constant reality. We are always in the dark.

This is amazing: ” Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires, and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall recieve from my hand: You will lie down in torment.” (Isaiah 50:10-11)

So maybe God doesn’t really want me to find way to light the path ahead…which is my gut instinct. Turn on a light for pete’s sake!!! He’d rather have me take a step in the dark – but with His voice behind me as I trust him. “Whether you turn to the right or to the left your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way: walk in it.’” It takes more trust to do what the voice behind says (or what I think it says, which is often a matter of trust as well,) and step out in the dark, than it does to have a light turned on so I can see where I am going. And I think that is the bottom line, God wants me to trust Him. When I want to figure it all out, know the steps ahead, get my ducks in a row, frantically gain control, He is saying ” In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.”

I pray God helps me turn out the light more often, and listen for His voice. But I really like living with lights on, it’s much easier…or is it?

Lead on softly, Lord,

Lord Lead on.

In the unknown days to come

When I may be far from home

Lead on softly, Lord, lead on.

I must follow throught the darkness Lord,

Lord, lead on.

Light for only a step at a time,

Feeling always your hand in mine,

Will you lead on softly Lord, lead on.

I must keep my eyes upon you, Lord,

Lord, lead on.

Though my eyes be blind with tears,

When I cannot calm my fears,

Will you lead on softly, Lord lead on.

(Maxcine W. Posgate – 1973)

What is a BLOG anyway? I think I’m too old for this!

My first introduction to a blog was last year when my now son-in-law sent me his blog address. Wow, what an interesting concept. A public journal. To tell you the truth, I didn’t really get it. Who would do that? But I must admit I became hooked on reading it. It was great to see how his mind worked, and it worked for him. It won me over to his eventual marriage to my daughter.

Then just a month or so ago my daughter joined the blog world. She began to blog about the changes in her life – her processing, our family, her faith. Krissy has kept a journal since she was around 10. They were often left laying around her room. Well into the teen years I would see her journals laying on her bed. I never – never picked one up. Oh, yes it was tempting. What is going on in that head of hers? What is she REALLY up to? But I had self-control. Never cracked a page. When she sent me to her blog a few weeks ago, it was an amazing thing. Suddenly I had a window into her thoughts, it felt strange. Like I am not supposed to be reading this!

But it has been a blessing. And as she moves far from the place she has always lived, I think it will be even more of a blessing. Blogs are a little strange, but pretty amazing just the same. So one afternoon, not too long ago, I said out loud that I might join the blog world. It was met with enthusiasm by my daugther and her husband, and with a bit of hesitancy from my husband (I promised I wouldn’t write about him without his permission!) So here I am. I have no idea if I will have much to say, but I will give it a shot. Maybe it will help me not miss them so much when they are far away.

I just turned 50. I have learned a few things over the years. In fact I learn new things every day. I un-learn things too. Maybe this will be a way to share learnings with fellow-learners…including my kids. Or maybe I will just ramble…but it could be fun. In any case, here we go! Hello BLOG world!