Thoughts on Self…ness

I’ve been thinking alot about how self gets in the way of so many good things. Then I thought about all the self words that we have in our vocabulary. Websters has 264 words that start with self. Some of the common ones are:  selfishness, self-centered, self-defense, self-reliant, self-starter, self-seeking. There are so many ways to be about self.

So how does a person get over selfishness, and self-centeredness, and begin living selflessly, without losing their sense of self? I’d love to think that I could just take Selfish and replace the ish with less – Selfless – there you go, that’s it. Done.

I do think there is a key and was reminded of that this week in a sermon about love. Self-awareness may be the self-word that turns selfish into selfless. For when we are able to get a glimpse of what we look like to those around us when we are selfish – we become self-aware, and we realize we don’t like what we see, which leads us to desire something different for ourselves. (Wow I just can’t get away from that self-word!)

So how do I increase my self-awareness? Have you ever had someone video tape you when you didn’t know it and you watch it and…ummm…yikes. I hate it when that happens. All of a sudden I feel like a total dork. Then I become self-c0nscious, which is NOT the same as self-aware. Because when you are self-conscious, you are still focusing on yourself. When you are self-aware you are focusing on others – how they are in your presence, what you do to/for them.

The best way I know (and I am no expert, that’s for sure) to grow in self-awareness is to do three things

1)listen more – be aware of others, not in my “me bubble”

2)accept my imperfections – so I stop worrying so much about my self-image

3) get ruthless feedback from someone who loves me  – which can only happen if I do #2

Okay, so I pretty much stink at both of those. How often do I sit in a room with others and sit back and ask myself how each person in the room is doing? Am I aware of how my body language, my words, my silence effects others or am I just listening to myself think (or speak since I am a verbal processor.)

And how often am I willing to admit how imperfect I am – how I annoy people, get under their skin, come off as prideful, or uncaring, or pre-occupied? Can I admit that it is nearly impossible to not think of myself for more than a few minutes, and ask God to make His Spirit alive in me – that Spirit that enables me to set aside self and serve Him and others? Somehow, if I don’t admit this about myself, I continue to live in the self-deluded bubble that sees myself as God’s gift to humanity, while others roll their eyes and I think they just have something under their contact.

And am I really willing to ask a trusted friend how I come across? How do I effect others? How could I grow to be more Christ-like? What are my blind spots (we all have them). And am I willing to sit quietly at the end of the day and reflect on each encounter and ask God himself to show me – open my eyes to my sin, my selfishness, my pride, my fears?

I long to be self-aware so that I can let go of self “stuff” and stop hanging on to my picture of what I wish I was. I long to stop the self-focus and love God with my whole heart, soul and mind trusting him to do an extreme make-over of my heart so that I can truly love my neighbor as much as I love myself.