Sometimes I think this i question is imprinted on my forehead. I may ask the question another way “how do you think it went?” or “What’dya think?” or “what was your take on the evening?” Whatever form of the question, I am realizing that at the heart of it is “how did I do?”
Hmmm….whether its having someone for dinner, teaching a workshop, having a hard conversation, choosing a gift for someone, or visiting a friend in the hospital…it seems that’s my default reflection question.
I think this reveals something a little “off” about my mentality. I mean, it’s not bad to get feedback. That’s actually good. It’s the sign of a learner. And it’s a good thing to try to do your best and always see if you can do better, I think. but I am starting to wonder if at the deepest part of me I really view myself as a performer. It’s up to me to “perform” – to live up to my expectations, others expectations, God’s expectations. And I really want to know “how did I do?” to validate who I am.
I need to change that question. This may be subtle but I think it will help me tremendously. “What’s God up to? Am I following him, focused on doing as He desires? Am I fulling engaged in being who He made me to be? I wonder what He’ll make of this situation?”
Maybe then I can relax, deeply engage in the moment, truly attend to others, to living. And leave the results up to God.
“Cease striving and know that I am God…” psalm 42
