“How did I do?”

Sometimes I think this i question  is imprinted on my forehead.  I may ask the question another way “how do you think it went?” or “What’dya think?” or “what was your take on the evening?” Whatever form of the question, I am realizing that at the heart of it is “how did I do?”

Hmmm….whether its having someone for dinner, teaching a workshop, having a hard conversation, choosing a gift for someone, or visiting a friend in the hospital…it seems that’s my default reflection question.

I think this reveals something a little “off” about my mentality. I mean, it’s not bad to get feedback. That’s actually good. It’s the sign of a learner. And it’s a good thing to try to do your best and always see if you can do better, I think. but I am starting to wonder if at the deepest part of me I really view myself as a performer. It’s up to me to “perform” – to live up to my expectations, others expectations, God’s expectations. And I really want to know “how did I do?” to validate who I am.

I need to change that question. This may be subtle but I think it will help me tremendously. “What’s God up to? Am I following him, focused on doing as He desires? Am I fulling engaged in being who He made me to be?  I wonder what He’ll make of this situation?”

Maybe then I can relax, deeply engage in the moment, truly attend to others, to living. And leave the results up to God.

“Cease striving and know that I am God…” psalm 42

The long-term effects of a PBJ

This weekend a friend from Minnesota stopped for an overnight visit. Kim is a friend who had a huge impact on the trajectory of my life.

Twenty-four years ago when my family arrived in Madison we decided on our first Sunday in town to attend a tiny little church on Blackhawk Avenue. With our toddler in tow, my husband and I braved walking into this intimate small church that really looked more like a large house.

If you’ve ever visited a small church for the first time (picture 75 or so people in a tiny little wooden-pewed chapel) you know that it’s hard to stay anonymous. Our last church experience had been a congregation of 500 or so. This felt sort of like walking into someone’s living room.

Kim and her husband introduced themselves after the service and invited us home for lunch.  I think we had something really simple like PBJ’s or maybe our first bagels and cream cheese from Bagels Forever. Our toddlers “played” together, or maybe fought over a few toys.

We tried one other church the following week. Kim called. We went back to this little church. Because of Kim and her husband, we continued to go back. We stuck. Kim became like family. Four years later she and her family moved away. We still feel like family 20 years later.

I took Kim to church last Sunday. We walked through the offices of the “new” 20 years later Blackhawk Church. I named who occupied each desk and computer. We laughed, remembered the past, and I marveled.

I am so thankful to be part of this community of faith called Blackhawk. And I know how much Kim’s reaching out began the community I now experience. Our community is much larger – almost 40 times larger. But I think community is still finds its beginnings in things like a PBJ (or bagel) for lunch.

Listening…to God knows what

For two years now I have been spending some focused time in my life on becoming a better listener. That’s really hard for a verbal processor.

A friend once said (and this is now frequently quoted) “Nancy, just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it!” But what is hard for others to grasp, is that I don’t think it, it just comes straight out the mouth!

I actually don’t think I’ve made much progress in two years. But I have some hope, because God is in the business of transforming me.

Recently I’ve realized that the most important aspect of listening is to learn to listen to God. Which is actually much harder than listening to people. When I listen to God, what am I supposed to listen to?

The “quiet” in my heart? Still my soul….okay…speak God. Hmmm…What’s that I am hearing? How do I know my thoughts are his, and not just mine re-cycled? People who get quiet and hear stuff, that’s awesome. I’m not really sure.

Do I listen by reading the Bible? It is so tempting to read in search of some clear answer, relevant verse, or “words that jump out”. Is that God speaking.? I remember in college God speaking through a verse to a young man that he should marry a certain woman. Unfortunately the woman didn’t get the same message. Seems you have to be careful with this form of listening.

Maybe part of listening to God is listening to the counsel of others – what others say that resonates with me. I certainly think God’s voice can be heard through others. Through a message, a conversation, a close friend. Is that you God?

I love “listening” to God in nature. Wow, the lessons that come from watching creation. Understanding how things work, thinking about what the creator is saying. Very cool.

What about my own thoughts…just ideas that come into my head from nowhere. Can that be God speaking? Go with my “gut”, that must be God. If you know all the wierd thoughts in my head you’d be saying ALERT!!!BAD IDEA!!!

So how do I really listen to God? I’m pretty sure He wants me too.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. ” (Psalm 32)

Somehow, for me, I think it comes down to having a listening heart – wanting to know what God desires so that I can  follow. Then doing all of the above and waiting for a convergence…a message from many fronts. Being patient and trusting.

And I think, I never really know FOR SURE. I guess I have to keep listening. The minute I think I have it all figured out I’m not listening any more. I want to be a listener.

“Speak for your servant is listening…” (I Samuel 3:10)

What does success look like?

I’ve been thinking a lot about success lately. We often ask the question “What does success look like?” or another way to put it “Define the win.” A friend of mine said recently that she thinks success is an American word. Very cultural. It got me thinking. What does God think of “success”. What is it really? Who cares? Seems like most people around me want to be successful. Whatever that means:

From good old Webster:

Success: a favorable result, the gaining of wealth, fame, etc.

Amazon has 819,260 books with the word success in the title. There are some great book titles:

Success: Advice for Achieving Your Goals from Remarkably Accomplished People

Effortless Success: How to Get What You Want and Have a Great Time Doing It

Secrets of Success: The Science and Spirit of Real Prosperity

What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful

Stress for Success

I think of success in terms of gain – climbing the ladder, earning more, more notariety, more “success” stories, reaching lofty goals. I think Stress for Success is probably a true statement.

What is success in God’s eyes? Paul defines it to Timothy:

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

In Ecclesiasties life is defined as mostly meaningless. All the things we seek after, knowlege, fame, toys, wealth, you name it…it is all utterly meaningless. Finally Solomon writes this:

“Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.”

Fear (revere, worship) God, keep his commandments. That’s a pretty simple picture. The results are up to God. Perhaps the race Paul is running, and the fight he is fighting is as simple as faithfully fearing God and keeping his commands.

Sometimes, many times, I think I make life way too complicated.

The real me…

Thanks Jon and Mary, this is definitely me! Only I couldn’t add the wrinkles.

What are you thankful for?

On Sunday at church we had this video project going on. 200 people stood in front of a camera and in a few sentences said what they are thankful for. As the day progressed, the word from the camera operators was “Everyone is saying they are thankful for their friends or family. Try to be a bit more creative!”

Several of us were feeling a little guilty that what we were going to say was about family or friends as well. Maybe we should say we are thankful for a hot fudge turtle sundae with whip cream on top. How about laughter – you tell a joke, I’ll laugh. How about my SUV, or my new ipod? Everything we thought of sounded pretty insignificant. The truth is – people – relationships is probably what matters most to every one of us.

As I did some Christmas shopping the next day and walked through stores heaped to the gills with stuff, I felt a real contrast. So if relationships are indeed what most people are most thankful for why do we spend so much time, energy and money on “things”?

Then I thought about people in this world who have nothing and I knew some “things” I am really thankful for. A warm, safe place to lay my head. Running water, clean water, a stove to cook on, a place to cozy up with a book and a cup of tea. And the natural world as well: a beautiful sunset, a great trail through the mountains, a lake to paddle a canoe.
That just got me started on what I am truly thankful for:

First and above all my relationship with Yaweh, who accepted me as I am, fills me, transforms me, empowers me, and basically makes life worth living.

My loving and faithful husband, who listens, laughs, works hard, and would do anything to make me successful in life.

Two great daughters, and a fantastic son-in-law who all three honor me, include me in their lives, and are living out their faith well. Their lives challenge me.

A few very close friends (most of whom I work with every day) who will talk straight with me, get in my face, cry with me, and still love me.

A workplace where the people truly care about one another, enjoy each other, and demonstrate teamwork.

Our dog Dakota who loves me no matter what.

Parents and in-laws who are still living, still love me, and I know are proud of me.

A sister who has adored me since I radically altered her life at age 9 (by being born), and supports me in prayer and guidance.

A brother who buys and sends me jewelry for no reason, other than he thought of me (whose life I also greatly altered, I think I was a pain.)

A close knit, “Mayberry RFD” neighborhood, where you can ask the police to keep an eye on your house while you are gone.

A hot bubble bath.

A glass of good wine.

The birds at my feeder.

Rick’s popcorn – there is nothing like it anywhere!

I think I could go on like this for pages! This is theraputic, really. I need to do this more often. A grateful heart is a healthy one.

What are you thankful for? Go for it!